Community

Last month, I saw a New Yorker cartoon - a parody on Frankenstein - with the doctor exclaiming: they said it couldn’t be done! I made a friend as an adult!

Why is it, do you think, that it might be difficult to make friends, new ones, in adulthood? When we were in Paris at the Louvre in October, we saw a sculpture called Love Embracing Friendship. “Cupid has placed his bow and quiver on the ground as, in all innocence, he embraces Friendship, who is not afraid.” Who is not afraid. 

I think about friendships over the course of my life, and it’s like a little slideshow of gratitude. Disclaimer: this is not a complete list.

Countless board games, making the rounds in the neighborhood, pretending to be the Beatles and the Monkeys in the living room, beach trips, camp and hanging out with Gary. 

Learning, for the first time, how to bake with Allyson's mother, Judy, teaching us how to make a pound cake, stirring it by hand, igniting a love of baking for me. 

Roaming their one-of-a-kind home with Lucy, working on summer staff at Kanuga and going to USC together all the while having the connection that our mothers were roommates in college.

Bonding with Harriette after a car wash/cookie sale at the Exxon that still stands across the street from Dreher High School. We donated the leftovers and started a friendship that is one of those that you pick up right where you left off. Harriette is one of my only friends who got to know my dad pretty well before his life was cut short.

Listening to The Pretenders with Anne and going to Group Therapy early rather than late hearing entire albums of Talking Heads and the Rolling Stones played while we made up stories about “The Count.” Road Trips with Anne and Elizabeth.

Standing in line chatting with Reba at South Building, grabbing a breakfast sandwich called the Country Boy before we headed to the state house to work before class.

Betsy J. making me laugh harder than any other human being ever has. Having the party of the decade at that upstairs apartment in Hendersonville when great aunt Angel told us about having a Pounding party. We got a lot of toilet paper, served a lot of draft beer and hosted just about everybody we know in one night,

My extra brothers, Joe and John, and one of the funniest weekends while at Joel’s wedding. The debate between the two of them about wearing an undershirt (in the Kentucky August heat) remains an all time chuckle and the reason we were late. 

Betsy H. whose friendship started with lifeguarding, lunches of frozen pizza at her house and many, many talks around the fire.

Sister Nickie, who early in life, swore I stole her hairbrush (which I may have and then forgot where I put it) became a friend when we were both young adults. There’s nothing like having a friend who is family.

Having fun on days off rather than doing laundry with Brooks; camping at Pearl and creating a special meal just for family with an especially designed menu.

Although only for a brief period of time, Narelle and Cathy, my enduring Australian girlfriends, and an epic snow-filled and partying season in Kitzbühel.

Beth, Joy and Colleen who I got to know when we were (except for Colleen) about to turn 30 and the decade that followed. Lots of bike rides, cooking together, walking in the snow, meeting for coffee, home-buying and growing up some.

Jan and Lynn, whom I would come to know and love at St. Peter’s, and whom I’ve enjoyed cooking with, laughing with, big topic talks and hiking.

Margaret who taught me about smoothies, eating differently, thinking about faith in new ways and the path of self discovery with curiosity.

Early morning walks in the dark with Annie and appreciating her heart so much. 

Mamie, whose friendship started in a formal way, turned into a meaningful one which has included important conversations with shared growing-up experiences.

Jennifer, my big buddy in graduate school, who gave a presentation on social work organizations and corporations using a Fisher-Price playground, solidly sets an example of what it’s like to stand by family and love them even when it’s really hard and who is silly in the most fun way.

Bouggy, who lived with me at a time when I was healing and becoming, and who loved me through all of it, and especially loved my cat Delilah, who liked to sit on her shoes.

Lalah and Carissa, who helped me learn to change my mind and have such creative fun around intention setting.

This year, in 2023, I wrote that I wanted more community in Asheville. This includes me being vulnerable and not being attached to the outcome. There’s been progress, and as long as I keep perfection out of it, contentment is possible. That is in the plus column.

Try this:

Write about a time, as an adult, you “asked someone out” to see if they were a friend? What did that look like? How did it go? 

Write about a time when you were 8 (or 10 or 15 - you pick) and who your friend(s) were. What did you do? Be curious about any specific story that comes.

Write a love letter to the friendships that you have been shaped by, moved by, loved by.

Let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear from you.